Day two of the family over for the holidays. I did not convive with them for the the better part of the day. I did eat dinner with them when they got home from the casinos. My grandma' is addicted to gabbling, oh I mean 'gaming'. I guess that it takes me a while to warm up to family that I have never really known. although, I am more at ease with abue than the other people.
I finished "The Golden Compass" today. I really like the book, although the end was disappointing. Lyra traveled all that way for Roger's sake and then when they used him as a jumper battery she barely batted and eye. I think other less important characters where threated with a better eulogy than Roger. Heck that Tony kid was lauded while poor Roger was just laid down and forgotten. It does make you wonder that while killing children is awful they idea that other beings where being killed in order to save this one child is interesting from the philosophical stand. One has to wonder why other deaths of post-pubescent beings are not treated as so disgusting almost to the point of taking them for granted, 'of course you can kill them, they are grown-ups.'
-O-
The end of the year is near. I've been out of work for almost a year now, but I don't feel depressed as I did at the beginning of the year. I mean that depression from teaching or stress as Clift likes to say was overbearing. I could not function and the dark days laster almost throughout out the summer, never really being over until I went in for the checkup in August. I know I've written this before but I feel like after I finish Capital III, a levee will break inside me. I can feel the levy inside almost bursting. I can feel it when I know that I'm going to have a day reading or exploring the internet for political, economic, or literary news and facts. I can feel that although I don't have anything figured out we all have to improvised, and that is the fun in life. Not knowing what is going to happen, and that is also the source of all our pain and sorrow sometimes. That same question of "What am I going to feed my children tonight?" springs the same "I love him, but will he love me back, and will I still love him, but I'm crazy for him right now." All of that comes from the same place and it is really lovely and frightening for some and for all at various times in life. I know that I need to finish certain things this year to feel like it's complete in a way. The forty book project along with my Algebra 1/2 that has been going along all this time, I put it down for almost four months when I started reading Capital and I should have not, but learning economics has been as rewarding as practicing math. No knowledge can be above another, it's just differently stimulation, of course math has a special "higher place" in the cannon. After reading all those books I feel like my spelling, never a pretty site, has remarkably improved and while I'm not out winning spelling bees I think that before this year I have always been on very shaky ground but after these books I can picture the words in my head. I've also learned that I think in pictures. I need to make a note to explore this knowledge that I know to to be true. I think that is why I'm attracted to poetry and photographs ( I particularly am partial to black and white.) Something about descriptions that expound on little details and the little cartoons with the intricate details that reward that the careful observer are fascinating. I was walking along Shelby Farms and the most wonderful pictorial poem popped in my head. I don't know I could picture the words falling off the trees and the leaves on the ground had meaning that I could read. I'm going to write it out this poem that was given to me by the trees in fall.
I'm sure nothing profound will happen after I finish 1/2 and capital but I think something internal will happen. As I don't believe in God or anything else I don't know what that means, I do know that following the Feuerbach theses I understand that things like that have no meaning, but I am inclined to keep such thoughts from the point of view of the ranger in "The Book of Lost Things" by Connolly. Rituals that have no meaning are worthless, but humans keep rituals that are useful like going out and clearing the paths of the old forest and sharpening axes, etc, those are rituals that keep us here in this world of man, and I'm paraphrasing. I know what I want to do, go to grad school and study psychology, but as I told that and I am being honest, I am trying to survey these decisions and surmise an answer and I have to answer at least as far as the first steps.
I finished "The Golden Compass" today. I really like the book, although the end was disappointing. Lyra traveled all that way for Roger's sake and then when they used him as a jumper battery she barely batted and eye. I think other less important characters where threated with a better eulogy than Roger. Heck that Tony kid was lauded while poor Roger was just laid down and forgotten. It does make you wonder that while killing children is awful they idea that other beings where being killed in order to save this one child is interesting from the philosophical stand. One has to wonder why other deaths of post-pubescent beings are not treated as so disgusting almost to the point of taking them for granted, 'of course you can kill them, they are grown-ups.'
-O-
The end of the year is near. I've been out of work for almost a year now, but I don't feel depressed as I did at the beginning of the year. I mean that depression from teaching or stress as Clift likes to say was overbearing. I could not function and the dark days laster almost throughout out the summer, never really being over until I went in for the checkup in August. I know I've written this before but I feel like after I finish Capital III, a levee will break inside me. I can feel the levy inside almost bursting. I can feel it when I know that I'm going to have a day reading or exploring the internet for political, economic, or literary news and facts. I can feel that although I don't have anything figured out we all have to improvised, and that is the fun in life. Not knowing what is going to happen, and that is also the source of all our pain and sorrow sometimes. That same question of "What am I going to feed my children tonight?" springs the same "I love him, but will he love me back, and will I still love him, but I'm crazy for him right now." All of that comes from the same place and it is really lovely and frightening for some and for all at various times in life. I know that I need to finish certain things this year to feel like it's complete in a way. The forty book project along with my Algebra 1/2 that has been going along all this time, I put it down for almost four months when I started reading Capital and I should have not, but learning economics has been as rewarding as practicing math. No knowledge can be above another, it's just differently stimulation, of course math has a special "higher place" in the cannon. After reading all those books I feel like my spelling, never a pretty site, has remarkably improved and while I'm not out winning spelling bees I think that before this year I have always been on very shaky ground but after these books I can picture the words in my head. I've also learned that I think in pictures. I need to make a note to explore this knowledge that I know to to be true. I think that is why I'm attracted to poetry and photographs ( I particularly am partial to black and white.) Something about descriptions that expound on little details and the little cartoons with the intricate details that reward that the careful observer are fascinating. I was walking along Shelby Farms and the most wonderful pictorial poem popped in my head. I don't know I could picture the words falling off the trees and the leaves on the ground had meaning that I could read. I'm going to write it out this poem that was given to me by the trees in fall.
I'm sure nothing profound will happen after I finish 1/2 and capital but I think something internal will happen. As I don't believe in God or anything else I don't know what that means, I do know that following the Feuerbach theses I understand that things like that have no meaning, but I am inclined to keep such thoughts from the point of view of the ranger in "The Book of Lost Things" by Connolly. Rituals that have no meaning are worthless, but humans keep rituals that are useful like going out and clearing the paths of the old forest and sharpening axes, etc, those are rituals that keep us here in this world of man, and I'm paraphrasing. I know what I want to do, go to grad school and study psychology, but as I told that and I am being honest, I am trying to survey these decisions and surmise an answer and I have to answer at least as far as the first steps.
-O-
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