This of course is the beginning

This, like so many other things in life is a start. One that is very hard to do because I've been writing in a paper journal for so many years that it is with great regret that I try to give it up. In search for a more perfect and advanced way of doing things.
Friends always say "Get yourself on the computer, then their will no excuse not to type out your stories and things--get them published," and so with great challenge I'm trying to give up my paper and quill.
I'm of course publishing this anonymously and it will rightly be so if I am going to write the things that I usually write in my journal. Not because I'm worried that people will--oh no for heaven sakes! find out what goes on in my head. No, rather like my journal I will not have to worry what it thinks. Like wise, I will not worry about what this journal thinks regardless if someone reads it or not. I'm not delusional enough to really think that people will read and much less care what some guy is writing about.
(Oh what? you jerk off, and you wrote about it? Oh please get in line with the rest of us and get on with life with the rest of us bud.)
So nothing people write will be of shock, not now, not ever, not in the past when the Greeks were writing about Ganymede and Whitman writing about manly love in Leaves of Grass. Even the way we react to news about pedophilia, rape, incest, slavery etc are not so much different than they way humanity reacts to that occasional book that manages to raise a few eyebrows in the hallway of conservative senators and thinkers.
Often when I'm surfing the Internet with Wiki., dictionaries, translators, and Project Gutenberg and things like that I wonder how Marx would react to the Internet. I mean I've been reading Das Kapital for the latter half of this year and the wealth of information that he shows off as having read in the London Library or Hall of Records is staggering. Not to mention his juggling of complex and oftentimes lengthy economic material and moreover finding humor in the inane comments on economy the 'vulgar economist' repeat.
I when went out today. I know that I need to get out more often, the library, the coffeehouse even if just like el bañista who daringly goes into the water and slowly plunges into the cool depths of the pond. Although, I'm much better than the even a few months ago, and even better than a year ago today. When I do stay home, which is more and more these days, I think that if I do want to leave and go to another city to study sociology, psychology (I still don't know!) I will have to keep going like this for a few more months because my goal is to take the GRE and go to graduate school. Well, for that I need to study laboriously and excitedly for my own sake. If you have never done math outside of school then I implore you to study on your own. Sometimes, as I have found out about myself, the way school sets up the incomprehensible grading system (IGS) --from a learning point of view-- is counterproductive to learning the subject any subject especially Math. No nitpicking allowed if you are to really learn it, and the IGS is anything but logical. To lean a language, and math is one, you must make mistakes but not deducted for from the get go. Got that? Their is so many people that are discouraged to learn a language because they are made fun, or so severely corrected from the start that ultimately resolve, and their cannot be any other conclusion for some, that they cannot speak and in this case 'do math' or that they 'hate math'. You, and I'm speaking to Math teachers, would to if you where constantly told that upon trying to learn foreign language that this particular syllable that you have pronounced a` is really pronounced a' and that his other one is not i but a guttural sounding i, etc., before even learning how to say hello and goodbye.
Finally, back to the coffeehouse.
I've been video conferencing with queens I don't know and don't really care to know. It has really been quite the experience. I realize that most people on North American and European chat rooms are under the impression that people on line are all white suburban people that are homogeneric and other non-whites that are looking for whites. I came to the conclusion that I'm Hispanic and that I will have to meet a real life guy to likes the way I look. I mean I know I don't look Teutonic and I cannot even try, I will not try, and to try would be a form of hate on my part, and I don't hate myself at all. Now my dad has said over and over again that I should get braces and fix this or that or make my jaw line look more like this or that, and I could. My orthodontist on the other hand who was handling my case said that he tried to make people look like themselves just with straight teeth not try to make all Hispanic, Blacks, etc., in to white profiles something that back then I took in another sense. Now, I thank him for that, and in the hands of another doctor I would not have looked like myself, I would not have this face and now I've had this for so long that I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror without thinking that I gave up my features because I wanted to "erase ethnicity" as the dominant culture thinks of it's collective features the 'non-ethnic' or the 'non-race'.